The Editor's Blog

IF  you’re a fan of ladies’ nipples that have a life of their own…hang on, I’ll rephrase that. If you’re a bloke,  I seriously recommend that you take a look at tomorrow’s paper.   We have 20 (that’s 10 pairs!) of the best chapel hat pegs ever seen in the world of showbiz crammed into two pages.  It was a tough job picking the pictures for the spread, but Deputy Editor Gary Doran tackled the onerous task bravely.  He was later heard muttering to himself : “Ah, thank God for pokey nipples!”  Later, when he recovered his composure, we had a lively debate about whether or not excessively stiff nips are a medical condition.  With my trained eye,  I myself have noticed that Jennifer Aniston, more often than not, could take a fly’s eye out at 40 paces with her dart-like pinkies.  Even on the set of Friends, she can oft be found standing to attention.  And as for Britney Spears – who was actually the inspiration for this feature – she permanently looks like she’s just climbed out of a freezer.  If it were a medical condition, we mused, what would the boffins call it? Obviously , it would have to be something official, perhaps Latin-sounding. We came up with the term “Erectus Nipplus”, but quickly dismissed it because it sounded a bit too Harry Potter.  Er…then we got bored.  But if it is a medical condition, I would just like to issue a plea to doctors. Please, don’t find a cure.  For mankind (and Gary’s) sake!

Overhead yesterday in the course of a discussion about disfigurement:  Assistant Editor to Picture Editor: “You can talk. You’ve got a withered cock!”

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Overheard today during a discussion about the size of a male porn star’s rather impressive todger. 

Picture Editor: “It’s absolutely massive.”  (Mimics said porn star flopping his penis out on the table.)

Assistant Editor: “Bah! That’s normal…..you wouldn’t know because yours is withered.”

KERRY Katona’s estranged husband has seen fit to spill his guts to a Sunday tabloid. She’s probably mortified today to find that Mark Croft, someone she shared her life with and had children with could betray her in this way.  And we feel for her. That’s why we want to try and help her look on the bright side.  She may have been humiliated by her former partner … but – and it’s a big bonus –  she’s still got a fantastic pair of breasts!  And we’re sure that with a rack like that she’ll have no problem  attracting a nice new fella.  Check them out on our centre pages today. Chin up, Kerry!

SAD news about TV presenter Kristian Digby.  I’ve often wiled away the hours on my days off watching back-to-back episodes of Too Buy or not Too Buy. But if ( as is being suggested of Kristian) you’re a gasper – i.e someone who chokes himself out with a dressing gown cord or similar while having a hand shandy – you’re bound to come a cropper sooner or later.   Still, when it all does go wrong, at least you’ve gone out with a bang.  We had an open discussion about Kristian’s apparent Michael Hutchence-esque fate yesterday in the office. And, as you can imagine if you’re a regular follower of this blog,  we treated his untimely demise with our usual sensitivity.  But we did come up witih an idea that might interest those  Euthanasia people Dignitas.  Maybe auto-erotic asphyxiation -  which is the posh name for gasping  -  should be used to sex-up assisted suicide.  Instead of slipping away miserably in that dingy room that looks like it was rejected from the Eastenders set, the end could be so much more exciting.   Dignitas  clients could shuffle off this mortal coil while having a kinky five-knuckle shuffle hanging from the bathroom door or wherever. What harm could it do?   You’d definitely go out leaving your mark on the world…and possibly a bit on the lino too.

My ring caused quite the stir  in our news conference yesterday.  It was the sheer size of it that got everyone talking.  The way they were shouting,  I don’t they’d ever seen one that big before on display…Okay, I’ve kept you hanging on for the punchline for long enough.  It was a piece of finger jewellery that was at the centre of the excitement,  not a back bottom. It was all triggered by my choice of accessory,  a massive silver ring that I bought – appropriately enough – in Greece! (You can check out the scale of it for yourself on this very website!) It only took one person to spot it and before we knew it everyone was falling about laughing over  shouts of “look at the size of Pam’s ring.”  Funny thing was, there was a board meeting going on in the room next door.   I can only imagine what the men in suits made of the disturbance.  Probably thought we had some sort of x-rated circus act in the office.  It wouldn’t be the first time. We did once host an sex orgy featuring a female dwarf here at Sport Towers.  Anway, back to the studio…..

IT  may sound weird but I actually really like working on Sundays.  There’s no grown-ups in the building and no visitors.  No one from “Planet Normal ” gets buzzed in to deliver office supplies, fill the coffee machine or have official-looking meetings.  It’s just us – the team at the sharp end, having a laugh and putting together your favourite paper.  Luckily, we’re all one big happy family here at the Sport, honest!  And it’s always heartwarming to hear the way Daily Sport family members greet each other.  Take yesterday for example. Sports Editor and Man City fan Marc Smith comes through the door.  Assistant Editor Jon Wise spots him and bellows, full belt across the office. “F***in’ hell, it’s Smithy.  I thought you would have wanked yourself to death by now”.  A reference, I’m assuming, to City’s win over Chelsea on Saturday.  (Anyone who knows any different please feel free to let me know for future blogs!)   I’m not sure how Smith actually celebrated the drubbing, but it clearly wasn’t with a fatal dose of chicken-choking.  I kind of wish he had, though. Because it would have made a great front page exclusive.  I suppose it’s one to bear in mind if City go on to win the Premiership.  It’d make a great headline:  ”Man City fan wanks himself to death over title win.” Nah, on second thoughts, no one would believe it…

Being what we are, I’m often privy to conversations that probably don’t openly take place in normal offices.  Here’s one that made me laugh out loud. Picture the scene:  The deputy picture editor is sat at his computer with headphones on studying something intently on the internet.  Sunday Sport editor shouts across to him: “What are you looking at? ”  He replies: “I’m watching a man suck his own cock.”  Sunday Sport editor look at him for a split second,  then replies: “And why do you need sound for that?”   The whole office erupts in laughter.

Hello all. Apologies, I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but I’ve been busy ensuring the nation receives its daily quota of topless babes, showbiz sex pics and hilarious political pisstakes.  Speaking of which, who knew Gordon “Glass Eye” Brown had it in him to kick butt, eh?  Maybe that’s where John Prescott learned all his moves from.  Now that’s a fight I’d love to see.  My money would still be on Prezza.  He looks like he’d be a dirty boxer.  Probably whip out a frozen meat pie from his shorts pocket and poke Gordon in the good eye with it.  And then scoff it.

FROZEN STIFF

So there I am yesterday,  on my way into conference minding my own business when I hear a shout that literally stops me in my tracks.  Butter-wouldn’t-melt senior reporter Clare  Chapman strikes again: “Who wants to see my boyfriend’s cock and balls?” She enquires loudly.   For a second I thought she’d brought in her Christmas party photographs again (only kidding!) then I realised it was probably some sort of play on words.  Turns out her other half, who’s a bit of a handyman by all accounts, had harnessed all his precision joinery training to construct a giant snow penis, correct with bollocks in their back garden.  Very funny!  Got us all thinking in conference as well.  We came up with the perfect way to get back at any of those neighbours you don’t like –   stealth snow cock and balls building!  Set your alarm for the middle of the night,  sneak onto their front lawn and erect an enormous frozen genitalia .  Then, when they’re standing outside their house in the morning looking dismayed, chose that moment to pass by them tutting and shaking your head.  That’ll each them to get sniffy next time you roll in pissed, singing Girls Aloud songs at 5am. 

BEATEN ON PEN-IS!

OUCH!  Even as a bird, I must admit I cringed over our story about Match of the Day pundit Adrian Chiles lopping half his willy off in an accident on his bike as a youngster..  Still, at least they managed to rebuild it.  There was a lot of angst-ridden expressions among the blokes in the office while we were debating it in our news conference. And there seemed to be a lot of unanswered questions too.  “Did it look normal?”   “Does he have sex with the lights off now?”,  and predictably, the one that cropped up the most: “Is it smaller than it should be?” So Adrian, if you’re reading this, get in touch and clear all that up….please!   Imagine, if that kind of thing happened today,  with all the advances in medical science, they’d probably be able to make it bionic, you know, pin it together with bits of super-touch metal.   Then his nickname could be Robo-Cock or Sperminator  or Glans-former  or…okay, I’ll stop now!

HAPPY NUDE REAR

Well, that ‘s it folks.  It’s all over for us at Sport Towers, bar the puking, fighting and  drunken “I f***king love you” headlocks. Yes, our secretaries do love a good night out when the New Year’s Eve edition goes to bed.

But, like I’ve said in the leader on page 6 there’s lots more good stuff to come in 2010.

While I’m here, I’d just like to apologise to that lady in my gym who may have caught my look of incredulity at the length of her ladygarden this morning. I was just passing by as she dropped her towel. At first glance I thought she’d brought David Bellamy in with her! In this job, I’ve probably seen more pubic topiary than most.  There’s the Hollywood (all off), the Brazilian (which comes in four different varieties)  and the centre parting (no, not really – I just made that up. Be funny though, wouldn’t it?)   And judging by  the woman’s untended nethers,  the 70’s porn bush is making a comeback.  Remember, you heard it here first!  See you next decade! (Really f***ing annoying when someone does that isn’t ?)