OVERHEARD in the office yesterday during a discussion about the girl who had a massive fatal heart attack while using a sex toy on herself : “I wanna die like that!” What’s weird about that, you ask? Well, it was a bloke that said it!
POP beauty Katy Perry has fallen victim to cheeky internet fakers who’ve mocked up a topless pic of her that’s about as convincing a con as any I’ve seen. When it first dropped this morning, everyone gathered around in much excitment and Sport Towers all but came to a standstill. After all, a glimpse of Katy’s magnifiicent bare breasts in all their glory is better than a lottery win for most fellas.
The news editor, the picture editor, the assistant editor, the deputy editor, the janitor and some fella making a delivery to the office stared at it for ages – for professional reasons, obviously. They were trying to work out whether or not it was real. Finally the website where it appeared issued a statement saying that it was categorically a fake.
But even after this bombshell, the staring continued. When I wondered aloud why they were all continuing to examine it, they looked at me like I had two heads and said. “Because that’s what they’ll look like.” I felt a bit of a tit after that!
IF you’ve read Hangin’ Out this week, you’ll know that Mollie King from The Saturdays has been bitten on the leg by a horsefly. Apparently, the bite caused the poor girl’s limb to swell to double its normal size. I won’t be giving out prizes for guessing the reponse to her misfortune from my male colleagues when this story was discussed in our morning news conference. But I think it’s safe to say there will be a lot of menfolk from Sport Newspapers going around with their flies undone this weekend in the hope of a nibble.
Those pictures of teen pop babe Miley Cyrus on stage today are sexy, aren’t they? A bit too revealing, some might say. Of course, you’ll only know that if you’re a Daily Sport reader because we haven’t airbrushed them the way all the other papers have. If you didn’t see them in Daily Sport, I suggest you hoof it to the shops immediately and get a copy. Check her out on page eight of our showbiz column Hangin’ Out. She’s a cracker. Ahem…
I can’t say who this latest post involves or I’d have to kill you – only joking! A picture dropped onto our picture desk recently of a very famous famale celebrity whose skirt had risen up, flashing her pants. The picture agency who filed it questioned whether or not she was actually wearing knickers. After all, it is a bit of a celebrity trend now to go commando when out on the town. Kelly Brook’s done it and so has Victoria Silvstedt. Still, you can’t take the chance of saying someone’s shed their smalls when they haven’t or they might get cross with you. Next thing you know, you’ll have to pay them and some lawyers a lot of dosh.
The question was, was she wearing flesh-coloured knicks or was she actually showing flesh? Her agents refused to answer the straight-forward question and got quite uptight about the whole thing. Luckily we were able, via our highly skilled graphics operatives to deduce that she was sporting skin-toned pants. This involved magnifying her crotch on the computer screen to about two feet across. Then some buttons were pressed ( I’m assured it was more technical than that!) which showed up her nethers as a sort-of negative There a tense moment while me and crowd of blokes gathered from all corners of the office and tried to analyse what we could see. Funnily enough, I could see she was wearing pants quite quickly, but the lads seemed to need longer to stare at the picture before making a decision. But it was quite dramatic, like being in one of those cop crime drama shows on TV. In fact, I’m thinking of renaming the graphics department to reflect the excitement of their job. How about CSI My Fanny? It’s definitely got a ring to it!
More and more women want designer vaginas, Daily Sport is reporting today.
No-one could blame you for thinking, in this image-obsessed culture, that this means that girls are getting “Prada” tattoed on their privates.
Well.it doesn’t. By going under the knife, girls can actually make their ladygardens look nicer and feel better. Models Jordan and Nicola T are two celebs who’ve opened up (see what I did there?!) about wanting to improve the aesthetics of their nethers.
Seems a bit of a waste of money to me. It’s not like you’ll get to show it off all that much, is it? On the plus side, at least if you end up with a trout pout it’ll be a blessing not a curse!
SOMETIMES I can’t believe the power this job gives me. Who knew the fate of a former MP could rest in my hands. Our columnist Lembit Opik may have lost his seat, but for the time being I have decided he will remain a contributor to this newspaper. Why, you may ask? He’s not longer an MP, what will he bring to the table now? Well, I hear your comments and concerns but I feel I must explain my decision. A long time ago, Bernard Manning was a columnist for this newspaper and we sacked him. The next thing we knew, Madonna – yes, the actual queen of pop – had proclaimed him her favourite comedian in the world and asked him to perform for her. I’ve got the feeling that Lembit is not about to quietly fade into obscurity and go off and get a job at ASDA. And knowing our luck if we send him up the road, he’ll probably land a judging slot on Britain’s Got Talent. Besides, I wouldn’t kick a man when he’s down…at least not while anyone was watching, anyway!
Boxing champ Amir Khan says he doesn’t have any sex for eight weeks before a big fight. I can see the rationale for this – he wants to be all fired up for the fight and devote all his mental and physical energy to it. But, practically-speaking, after all my years of working with blokes I just need to know… does he have to go to bed with boxing gloves on?
RIGHT, that’s it. The General Election is over for another five years. We tabloid editors have spent the last few months tirelessly fighting to bring incisive and unbiased political coverage to you, the public. We will all have our favourite moments of this campaign, be it Nick Clegg’s rise to the fore in the live debates or Cameron’s passionate speeches or Gordon Brown fighting for his life after bigotgate. So, what will I think about in years to come when I recall my first general election at the helm of Britain’s breast newspaper. That’s easy – it will definitely be that funny bubble caption on the front page about Cameron having a small willy!
ANOTHER day, another conference, another round of listening to my male colleagues moaning about the harsh treatment dished out to them by their respective wives. One member of our team is about to be married this year but he’s convinced that, because he’s been with his fiance for 10 years, there’ll be no surprises and nothing will change. He may well be right. But he was given some words of wisdom today by way of a football analogy. Apparently, getting married is like that player your team shells out millions for and he arrives only to turn into total bag of sh*te. He never scores another goal, gets injured all the time and ends up sitting on the bench scowling all season. And presumably, sticking with the football analogy, that’s why married men start scoring away from home? Discuss…
This is the first blog by the editor of a national newspaper. Daily Sport Editor Pam McVitie takes you behind the scenes of Britain’s brightest, funniest and most babe-packed tabloid. Come on in… and have a laugh!